My love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses~

Am I mad?
I feel like a completely different person, and I am fearful that I may lose myself.

Just last Saturday, I was sitting around a fire in my very good friend's backyard.
Everything was fine.
Or so I thought.
Then again, I never looked too far beneath the surface when it comes to me.

I am exhausted - but as much as my body wants to shut down, my mind's racing.

Eleven years was the gap between my first and second arrest.
Tomorrow it may mean something.
Everything is a learning experience, is this not true?
But gosh... I can't wash my own face for fear of catching sight of the mirror.
I don't know who I am anymore.
My tendency to sacrifice myself completely for others is crippling.
Can't I just stay out of trouble? Why am I always in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Just did 550 sit-ups. In one set. FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY. I'm a force of nature, baby!
Took me less than a month to beat Murphy's record.
What eventually undermined me was not exhaustion or pain, but the inability to swallow due to my tongue and throat feeling like sandpaper.

Spent the past ~week doing eight weeks worth of homework consisting of papers and projects pertaining to HTML, Excel, Access databases, queries, crossmatch docs, etc. Was glued to my chair for most of Friday and Saturday. Went outside for the first time today. I have five weeks of the online classwork left to tackle in the next few weeks in order to accommodate for the eight-week M-E course that kicks up after spring break. I have a feeling I'll need the free time - I've never seen a professor with such... an embarrassing rating. Furthermore, she boasted that her class is the most rigorous and difficult. Sounds lovely.
One step at a time...

Watched "The Lion King" with my father during dinner, the first rewatch in several years.
I watched it often during youth, but now that I have been through so much, I can't help but see "The Lion King" in a different light. I still remember how traumatizing Mufasa's death had been for me, as an infant. I couldn't imagine what it must feel like, watching someone emotionally close to you... die... while you're helpless.
Fast forward. It happened to me. I never anticipated it, but it happened to me.
And how can I? When has life ever happened according to plan? It never has.
But just as the horror can creep up on you without warning, so do the good things that catch you by surprise.
I couldn't help but cry, though, during Mufasa's death. Scar, that fucker. I know how excruciating and frustrating it feels, to watch the person you love most in the world struggle and... die... after how much they sacrificed for you...
I can make this observation - and I have - to the rest of the world, but most of them have remained unscathed from this sort of pain, and so cannot comprehend. There are a number who have never cared that much for anyone, and so will never experience this sense of torture, loss, and grief. Then there are those to whom death is but an idea, not yet a grounding reality.
I have been tested beyond limits, have been driven mad, behaved recklessly in my struggle to cope... but I have come to the point where I have more or less accepted what has happened. Everything from the day I was born.
My entire life has been a test of strength, I realize. Every minute, every day. Every breath I continue to draw is a mark of triumph. Life's a journey, life's a struggle, life's a fight.
I'm proud of how strong I have been. I'm grateful that I can nourish a bond with my father. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head. I'm hopeful that things can only get so rotten before they get better again. No one can take these sentiments away from me.

of soccer-playing friends, army departure, Gryffindor, and... Voldemort?!

A dream that I can actually record, because I only just awoke from it, before I brushed my teeth. Perhaps twenty minutes ago.
It was about "KHC's" interactions with me on a soccer field while most of his teammates were playing. At one point I did spot Hyukkie, Siwon, and Kibum. Everyone else was a blur on the field.
I wasn't sure why KHC was on timeout on the sidelines. He was next to me, standing with his arms crossed, focusing intently on the game. It was a deviation from his usual rowdiness. Then again, he was one to be moody. Those who didn't know him intimately thought him to be cruel, as he was candid and unplanned in speech. I, however, thought highly of him. He was one to help those who needed it, whether he was credited or not. As arrogant and erratic as he made himself out to be, I knew for a fact that he had a bigger than heart than most people.
"HC," I said, calling him by his first name rather than 'oppa.'
Arms still folded across his broad chest, he merely pivoted his head, gazing down at me. "Hmm?"
"I know you haven't taken your official leave to the army yet... but I've already been through that day. I was sad, so sad... to see you go."
Wait, so I'd traveled back in time. Was it just to tell him this?
Knowing me, probably.

HC's facial expression was unfathomable. His eyes clouded with an interplay of emotions.
"I'll miss you, too." It was hardly more than a whisper. He was so close that I could practically hear it vibrate from his chest, though. His next words were spoken in a more even, projected voice. "But I've reached the age now, where Korean males have to go. I think it'll be good for me. I need to be more grounded, you know. Besides, it's the army. It's not like I'm going to be in a war."
He unfolded his arms, then reached one of them over my left shoulder, slowly pulling me into a hug.
I leaned into it, but not before I chanced a glimpse of his red-rimmed eyes. "I didn't say anything about the army being bad. I just... really don't know what I'd do without you.... for two years. You're so wonderful, K__ H__C___."
I nuzzled my cheek just below his left shoulder.
We broke apart, but I still leaned against his front, while he did a semi-split so he could rest his chin on my left shoulder.
Gradually, I began to notice the game. I realized why I wasn't playing.
I hadn't been Sorted. HC's teammates were dressed in Gryffindor colors.
I watched as Hyukkie agilely handled the ball, until something that looked like a bumblebee slammed into him.
So it was Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff.... for soccer.
At that realization, I saw Siwon bolt past me, easily one of the tallest males on the field, at 6'1".
He flashed a good-natured smile at me when we locked eyes for a brief second.
"OH MY GOD, YOU DORK! YOU'RE SUCH A STEREOTYPE, " one of the Gryffindor guys screamed. Evidently, Hyukkie had jumped over someone to continue his steering of the ball.
I laughed, just as Hyukkie turned and spotted me. He wasn't more than three yards away. He grinned, displaying both his pearly whites as well as his gums, before he turned back to throw an amused retort at his teammate.
"What? Just because you've never been with the top dogs, doesn't mean there's something up with me, bro."
I didn't want this to end. A moment of concentration allowed me to realize that it was still mid-June - the first day of summer school. HC had until September before he would be shipped off to the army.
And here I was.
Why wasn't HC playing?
Just as he flashed through my mind, the man against whom I was leaning lifted his chin from my shoulders.
"Well, I'm getting sweaty," he laughed. "You know, your skin against mine... and this weather. I need to go in soon."
He removed himself and stood next to me, throwing a muscular arm over my shoulder instead.
It was then that I noticed the presence of Qiang Ren to our left. He was hardly moving as he stood as HC had before - with his arms crossed smartly across his chest, his legs parted. His hardened expression and the fact that no one else seemed to notice him persuaded me to turn away again, and wonder.
"Guess it's my turn now," Heechul said. With that, he jogged towards one of his teammates - Siwon, whom he high-fived - while I cheered for him.
The ball had a tendency to come towards me, and so I became the person who kicked it back in for convenience.
I couldn't seem to stop it with my foot at first. I could only kick it towards a Gryffindor, but the ball never stayed with me if I intended to pause it.
There was a point, though, when it stopped it against my right foot, and the world seemed to cease spinning in those seconds.
I looked up and saw the lanky Kibum waving his hands at me, forming my next intent. I kicked the ball towards him. He dribbled for a while before he passed it to Hyukkie, who scored.
Before everyone realized that Gryffindor was victorious, the skies abruptly darkened. HC, who was nearest to me, came to stand by me, protectively.
Alarmed gasps laced the crowd, and a string of those nearby gaped at something behind me.
I chanced a look, and had a sharp intake of breath myself.
It was the Dark Mark.
Voidemort's voice sounded, like he was speaking through an intercom from the skies.
"Now you've done it. You're all going to turn into lasagna. You have ten seconds to run, but it won't make a difference."
HC's fingers laced with mine, as he bolted with me by his side.

The scene transitioned. I was in a kitchen, my eyes intent on the small bowl of lasagna in my lap. I was trying not to cry.
A movement made me look up.
She looked healthy, vibrant, beautiful. She looked just like she did before she got sick.
"What's wrong, dear?"
I shrugged. "Nothing. Well, actually... I guess I'm just missing HC."


Well, that was WEIRD.
I dunno... I just DUNNO.
KHC has been in the army a month now. I wonder how he's doing.
I've never interacted like such with the guy in real life. Seven years my senior, he's more of someone I look up to.

Tags: ,

So I recently found out one of my aunts has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. She's been taking a 'temporary drug.'
All the what-the-fuck-ery aside, it is what it is, and I hope she can get better.
Despite everything that's been making me irritated in the past few months, chronic anxiety is a horror I couldn't bear to wish on anyone.
In the corner of my mind, it occurred to me that finally someone in this family understands the precise reason I am so reliant on my bike.
I meant it when I said it keeps me clean.
My bike, my savior may feel cheesy on the tongue, but it's my reality.

Class tonight. Not sure if I'm up for socializing with the old folks - especially if we're doing hands-on stuff for tort law.
Will probably ditch if there isn't a quiz. Darn her for not posting a definite schedule.
Oh, well.

Can't wait to have some time to myself.

Tonight my heart leaps with joy, prancing about, and I feel like a child again.
A friend I lost contact with four years ago has finally replied to me, after my various attempts over the years to find him.
I can scarcely believe it still. I feel the rush of excitement in my stomach.
So much has happened, so much has changed. The last time we spoke was when I was seventeen. We argued nearly as much as we breathed, but those were precious moments.
I could tell him so much, and undoubtedly he has so much to tell me.

Where to even begin?


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